This past Sunday saw St. Paul's words about marriage from the Letter to the Ephesians make their appearance again. (For non-Catholics, our Lectionary, which contains all the Bible readings for Mass, runs on a three year cycle. If you attend Mass every Sunday for the whole three years, you hear about 90% of the Bible. If you add in daily Mass, you get up past 95% of the Bible. The only part left out is all the "begats." Remember that next time someone tells you that the Catholic Church isn't a "Bible believing" church. Grr.)
Anyway, the part that gets people all riled up, of course, is the part about wives being submissive to their husbands. I will quote, from Ephesians 5:21-30.
Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church, he himself the savior of the body. As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. So [also] husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.
This was immediately followed by the Gospel reading, which was from John 6, the Bread of Life discourse. After Jesus tells His listeners that He will give them His flesh to eat, people start to leave Him and call Him a blasphemer. (Tangent: if Jesus meant this to be only a symbol, don't you think He would have called back His followers and explained, corrected their misperception? But He didn't do that, He let it stand.....hmmmm......) Another quote:
Many of Jesus' disciples who were listening said, "This saying is hard; who can accept it?"
I chuckled inwardly, because that could just as easily apply to modern attitudes toward the second reading as to Jesus' declaration of His Real Presence in the Eucharist. While I am happy to report that another deacon at a different Mass than the one I attended apparently gave a great homily that did address this reading, I waited in vain to hear it addressed at my Mass. (Usually priests give the homilies, but deacons can do it too, and at our parish there is usually one Sunday a month when the deacons preach.) In different years, I have also heard a deacon tell the congregation that he has never and will never preach on that Scripture, because his wife told him he'd better not. I remember thinking, "Wow, you are an ordained minister of Christ, supposedly one of His soldiers, and you can't even take on your wife's ridiculous order that you neglect teaching your flock about a certain part of Scripture?!" This past Sunday was a different one, but his avoidance of the second reading was obvious, and to my mind, pathetic.
If this reading makes you uncomfortable....SO WHAT?! This is YOUR JOB. (This goes for priests too.) When you avoid talking about this reading, you give the message that the secular society who declares us backward woman haters is right! You communicate that there is something shameful about that Scripture, and that it needs to be hidden and ignored as much as possible. If you think this Scripture will anger your female audience, then you need to learn more about how it needs to be taught to a modern audience. But also, you need to adopt more of a "so what" attidude about that possibility. People get angry when you say abortion and euthanasia are wrong too. They get angry when you preach against premarital sex and divorce. Are you gonna stop? (And if you would, then please, just hang up your stole right now.)
Here's the thing. This teaching looks different in every single family that attemtps to live it. The one thing it is not, which so many seem to think it is, is license for a man to lord it over a woman, putting up his feet and ordering her to get him a beer while she slaves away on housework. Your job as an ordained deacon or priest is to dispel misconceptions like that. How can you do that if you refuse to ever talk about it?
Really, truly READ that passage. First, it tells spouses to be subordinate to each other. Then it goes on to tell wives to be subject to their husbands. Is it possible that cultural bias of the time influenced the wording? Sure, after all, the Bible was written by inspired HUMAN authors, and each added their own influence to what they wrote. But let's think about this: the man is described as the head of his family. Don't families work best when a man truly embraces that role? When he takes on himself the responsibility of the welfare of everyone in his domestic sphere? How healthy are families when he doesn't do that? Fatherlessness is a national crisis, and yet we persist in trying to have it both ways, wanting to deny men their leadership role. Keep reading, and you will see that men are ordered to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. You know, that Church that he allowed Himself to be CRUCIFIED for? How is that not subjection and subordination? Wives are basically told to listen to and respect their husbands. Husbands are told to be ready to suffer torture and death for their wives. Wow. That would seem to put things on a pretty unfair level....for MEN. That's an awfully high standard to expect of them. And yet, a man who has truly embraced his leadership role will be ready to do that for his wife and children, because that is what his call is as a Christian husband and father.
I can't give you a formula for how this looks in every day family life. I could tell you how it looks in my family, but that won't be relevant for anyone else. Each couple has to work it out for themselves, and that is where the guidance role of our leadership comes in. If you have been ordained as a priest or deacon, and you refuse to lead Christ's people in the difficult matters, if you refuse to help them understand what might be confusing, you are not doing your job. If it's uncomfortable or scary, well, so what? Jesus didn't call you to give you an easy life. He called to you preach His Word and lead His flock. That's always been hard. It's like being a good parent, where the easy path is basically never the right one.
Now the caveat here is that a woman has to choose a man wisely before she puts this much trust in him. Likewise, men must choose wisely before committing themselves to lay down their lives for a woman. I have told my daughters, any guy who quotes the first part of this Scripture in an attempt to boss you around is someone you should run from, with all the speed you can muster. Because men like that seem never to get around to reading the second part. They are troglodytes in Christian robes. For men, if a woman wants to try and use this Scripture as an excuse not to develop herself and reach her potential, educationally, professionally, morally, whatever, then you should also run from her. She is just looking for someone to blame for her failures. While you should be willing to face crucifixion for your wife, it shouldn't be your wife doing the crucifying.
Honestly, if I can work out this little bit of cogent thought on the topic, shouldn't someone who has been educated and ordained by the Church be able to do as much? Gird up your loins, guys, and get to it!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
If you want a Mr. Bates, you have to be an Anna
This is another thought that has been buzzing around in my brain for a while, but also suffered from my lack of opportunity to post. I seriously need to get a notebook and start writing myself little notes, because I am going to forget some of these topics before I get to post.
Downton Abbey is PBS' biggest success in years. People talk about it resurrecting a dying network. It has the largest audience PBS has been able to garner in a long, long time. People bring all kinds of reasons along with them for liking it. In fact, I have one friend who claims to watch it just for the clothes! (As an Anglophile, I can't resist pointing out that this show is actually a BBC production, which most of PBS' best stuff has been over the decades. So really the most credit they can take is for being good shoppers.)
One huge reason that Downton's largely female audience loves the show seems to be because of John Bates, one of the main characters, who is Lord Grantham's valet. His unfailing moral uprightness, stoicism, self-sacrifice, and utter devotion to Anna Smith, a maid, seem to be like catnip to American women fed up with little boys in adult bodies who can't seem to commit to anything lasting longer than a hookup.
But here's the thing, girls. If you want a Mr. Bates, you have to act like an Anna Smith. There was a scene in the second season (spoiler alert, but since the shows have been out since January, I apologize for nothing) where the frustration from John's attempts to gain a divorce from his evil, scheming wife so he can marry Anna has reached the boiling point, and Anna suggests she should just become his mistress. What non-watchers of the show need to understand is that this was a momentary lapse for Anna. Through most of the two seasons, she has been so proper as to be painful. The growing feelings between her and John became more and more obvious, but they hardly ever touched, and never even kissed until after they were engaged. It was clear they both wanted to throw themselves at each other.....BUT THEY DIDN'T. No matter how in love, sex and physical involvement is clearly for the married in their world. Anna makes it clear in her interactions with John that no matter how much affection she has for him, there are lines she can't cross unless she is his wife. John, an old soldier who has clearly seen the more worldly side of these issues, loves and respects her so much that he wouldn't dream of violating her boundaries. When Anna breaks down and suggests that they live together illicitly, John immediately refuses, though it's clear he wants her very much. He says, "That's not you. You couldn't be happy that way." He also tells her that he could not live with himself if he compromised her honor in such a way.
The result of all this is that when John and Anna finally do marry, their tastefully done nuptial scene, in a beautiful room of the mansion provided to them by the family as a wedding gift, is so much lovelier and more meaningful.
Women of America, the reason too many of us don't have this is because we don't demand it. If you want to stop being a victim of the hookup culture, then stop participating in it. Will this make it harder for you to find a man? Probably, because they have all been programmed to expect sex by the third date, and if they don't get it, they won't waste time on you, but find another woman who is easier. But what would happen if ALL women stopped degrading themselves in this way and started demanding actual involvement and commitment from their men before consenting to sex? One of the basic facts about male psychology is that they value much more what they have to work hard to obtain. Women who give it up too easily betray all women, by making a culture of commitment impossible. Just look at our divorce and non-marriage rates to see where the sexual revolution has taken our society. Being that woman who decides to make herself unavailable for sex without commitment could result in eventually finding the right kind of man. But these days the deck is so stacked the other way that it could backfire and lead to a woman never finding a mate. Personally, though, I think it's worth the risk. It's the advice I am giving my daughters. In fact, my oldest, who is 14 and a Downton Abbey fan, has already heard the title and concept of this post. Talking about it with her is what inspired me to post.
There are ways to meet men who share your values, and none of them are perfect, but they do increase your odds. Meeting men at church gives you better odds than bars or frat parties, for example. I worry about my kids being able to find mates, make marriages that last, and build strong families. The culture is so toxic to those goals. But I will stand by what I believe, and teach my daughters the virtues of Anna Smith, and my sons those of John Bates.
Because ladies, if you want a Mr. Bates, you have to be an Anna.
Downton Abbey is PBS' biggest success in years. People talk about it resurrecting a dying network. It has the largest audience PBS has been able to garner in a long, long time. People bring all kinds of reasons along with them for liking it. In fact, I have one friend who claims to watch it just for the clothes! (As an Anglophile, I can't resist pointing out that this show is actually a BBC production, which most of PBS' best stuff has been over the decades. So really the most credit they can take is for being good shoppers.)
One huge reason that Downton's largely female audience loves the show seems to be because of John Bates, one of the main characters, who is Lord Grantham's valet. His unfailing moral uprightness, stoicism, self-sacrifice, and utter devotion to Anna Smith, a maid, seem to be like catnip to American women fed up with little boys in adult bodies who can't seem to commit to anything lasting longer than a hookup.
But here's the thing, girls. If you want a Mr. Bates, you have to act like an Anna Smith. There was a scene in the second season (spoiler alert, but since the shows have been out since January, I apologize for nothing) where the frustration from John's attempts to gain a divorce from his evil, scheming wife so he can marry Anna has reached the boiling point, and Anna suggests she should just become his mistress. What non-watchers of the show need to understand is that this was a momentary lapse for Anna. Through most of the two seasons, she has been so proper as to be painful. The growing feelings between her and John became more and more obvious, but they hardly ever touched, and never even kissed until after they were engaged. It was clear they both wanted to throw themselves at each other.....BUT THEY DIDN'T. No matter how in love, sex and physical involvement is clearly for the married in their world. Anna makes it clear in her interactions with John that no matter how much affection she has for him, there are lines she can't cross unless she is his wife. John, an old soldier who has clearly seen the more worldly side of these issues, loves and respects her so much that he wouldn't dream of violating her boundaries. When Anna breaks down and suggests that they live together illicitly, John immediately refuses, though it's clear he wants her very much. He says, "That's not you. You couldn't be happy that way." He also tells her that he could not live with himself if he compromised her honor in such a way.
The result of all this is that when John and Anna finally do marry, their tastefully done nuptial scene, in a beautiful room of the mansion provided to them by the family as a wedding gift, is so much lovelier and more meaningful.
Women of America, the reason too many of us don't have this is because we don't demand it. If you want to stop being a victim of the hookup culture, then stop participating in it. Will this make it harder for you to find a man? Probably, because they have all been programmed to expect sex by the third date, and if they don't get it, they won't waste time on you, but find another woman who is easier. But what would happen if ALL women stopped degrading themselves in this way and started demanding actual involvement and commitment from their men before consenting to sex? One of the basic facts about male psychology is that they value much more what they have to work hard to obtain. Women who give it up too easily betray all women, by making a culture of commitment impossible. Just look at our divorce and non-marriage rates to see where the sexual revolution has taken our society. Being that woman who decides to make herself unavailable for sex without commitment could result in eventually finding the right kind of man. But these days the deck is so stacked the other way that it could backfire and lead to a woman never finding a mate. Personally, though, I think it's worth the risk. It's the advice I am giving my daughters. In fact, my oldest, who is 14 and a Downton Abbey fan, has already heard the title and concept of this post. Talking about it with her is what inspired me to post.
There are ways to meet men who share your values, and none of them are perfect, but they do increase your odds. Meeting men at church gives you better odds than bars or frat parties, for example. I worry about my kids being able to find mates, make marriages that last, and build strong families. The culture is so toxic to those goals. But I will stand by what I believe, and teach my daughters the virtues of Anna Smith, and my sons those of John Bates.
Because ladies, if you want a Mr. Bates, you have to be an Anna.
Todd Akin is an idiot, but not for the reason you think
Well, folks, this one has been percolating around in my brain since the Todd Akin flap began, but with all the upheaval surrounding changing jobs, I haven't had time to post.
When Todd Akin said that in cases of "legitimate" rape, the woman's body has ways of "shutting things down" to prevent conception, he was actually right. I'm not sure how much knowledge base he has about this. Probably he heard something once and filed it away, and when confronted with this question, his brain dug up that little tidbit, and he spit it out in a most unfortunate way. Thus we gain more proof for the adage that nothing is more dangerous than a little knowledge.
The Catholic Church is regularly mocked and excoriated for promoting Natural Family Planning in its many forms. This is NOT, I repeat, NOT the rhythm method, and one of the quickest ways to get my hair on fire is to equate the two. The several methods of Natural Family Planning that are out there (Creighton, Billings or sympto-thermal, and the newer Marquette Method) are all thoroughly scientific, based on biology and the study of each individual woman's cycle. Rhythm was a calendar-based method that assumed all women's bodies worked exactly the same and had cycles that all behaved identically. It's no wonder that the most common epithet for its users became "parents."
I used the sympto-thermal method for a substantial chunk of my reproductive years, so I know whereof I speak. With this method, a woman determines her fertility status each day by measuring her basal body temperature and evaluating her cervical mucus, whose texture changes throughout the month depending on where she is in her cycle. A woman educated in this method and using it correctly knows exactly when ovulation is approaching, and exactly when it has occurred. The same is true for Creighton and Marquette, just the markers read and methods of obtaining information vary.
Todd Akin would not have received so much opprobrium if more people in this country were educated about how a woman's body actually works. Because any woman or couple that charts their fertility can tell you about times when a huge amount of stress delayed or even completely prevented ovulation for that month. They can probably even dig up the chart and show it to you! Illness can have the same effect. I don't know if I could still find it, but I have a chart somewhere that shows the month I had a strep infection so severe that it took three courses of antibiotics to kill it, and I never ovulated. My body was so sick and stressed out by that illness that it did not trust itself to support a baby!
Akin probably at some point heard someone talk about how stress can delay ovulation. In our current society, where fertility discussions have been in the forefront of consciousness for a couple decades, it is not surprising that he might hear this somewhere. Perhaps he has even dealt with this issue personally. So when the question arose, his mind went into the database and found this bit of information, and he said what he said. Here's the thing.... he wasn't wrong. A woman who has suffered a sexual assault is likely under the greatest amount of stress in her lifetime. I am sure many women's cycles have been disrupted by that. That disruption would have a protective effect against pregnancy by delaying ovulation. According to a study on PubMed from the National Institutes of Health, the rate of pregnancy from rape is five percent. Clearly we are not dealing with the majority of rape victims when talking about this issue, and I would imagine the rate is going lower with emergency contraception being offered to rape victims in the ER as standard procedure. (P.S. Catholic teaching is in no way against using contraceptives in this case. A victim has the right to defend herself against her attacker in any way she has available. The intent of using EC is to suppress ovulation and thicken cervical mucus to block sperm from entering the uterus, which are the two primary functionalities of oral contraceptives. In a case where a woman has not consented to sexual activity, she has the right to pursue means of preventing pregnancy. If the unfortunate secondary effect of preventing implantation of an already-fertilized egg should take place, the principle of double-effect applies.) Any woman that finds herself pregnant from rape deserves compassion and guidance, and nothing Todd Akin said or did denied that reality.
The other point on which he has been attacked regards his use of the terminology "legitimate rape." For all the people upset by that, oh please, get over yourselves. There are plenty of cases that feminist advocates and irresponsible women want to call rape that are not. Getting drunk and making stupid choices, then regretting it the next day, is NOT rape. Consenting to sex and then changing your mind in the middle of it is NOT rape. This is rape: a man who knows that you do not want to have sex forcing himself on you. I seriously cannot believe that in the post-Duke lacrosse age, anyone would object to distinguishing legitimate rapes from illegitimate claims of rape.
So now that I have spent several paragraphs defending him, why do I still think Todd Akin is an idiot? I have two reasons. First, if you are going to be a politician on the national level in the United States of America, you had better have your answers straight and ready to go on the issue of abortion. If you are not ready to answer any question about your stance on abortion, which is an issue that gets hashed to death in every single election, intelligently and with references, you are an idiot! Second, he has damaged the Republican bid to gain a majority in the Senate so badly, and he is such a target now, that he should have stepped down in time to allow another candidate to run. He should have bowed out and put the success of the greater mission above his own personal fortunes.
When Todd Akin said that in cases of "legitimate" rape, the woman's body has ways of "shutting things down" to prevent conception, he was actually right. I'm not sure how much knowledge base he has about this. Probably he heard something once and filed it away, and when confronted with this question, his brain dug up that little tidbit, and he spit it out in a most unfortunate way. Thus we gain more proof for the adage that nothing is more dangerous than a little knowledge.
The Catholic Church is regularly mocked and excoriated for promoting Natural Family Planning in its many forms. This is NOT, I repeat, NOT the rhythm method, and one of the quickest ways to get my hair on fire is to equate the two. The several methods of Natural Family Planning that are out there (Creighton, Billings or sympto-thermal, and the newer Marquette Method) are all thoroughly scientific, based on biology and the study of each individual woman's cycle. Rhythm was a calendar-based method that assumed all women's bodies worked exactly the same and had cycles that all behaved identically. It's no wonder that the most common epithet for its users became "parents."
I used the sympto-thermal method for a substantial chunk of my reproductive years, so I know whereof I speak. With this method, a woman determines her fertility status each day by measuring her basal body temperature and evaluating her cervical mucus, whose texture changes throughout the month depending on where she is in her cycle. A woman educated in this method and using it correctly knows exactly when ovulation is approaching, and exactly when it has occurred. The same is true for Creighton and Marquette, just the markers read and methods of obtaining information vary.
Todd Akin would not have received so much opprobrium if more people in this country were educated about how a woman's body actually works. Because any woman or couple that charts their fertility can tell you about times when a huge amount of stress delayed or even completely prevented ovulation for that month. They can probably even dig up the chart and show it to you! Illness can have the same effect. I don't know if I could still find it, but I have a chart somewhere that shows the month I had a strep infection so severe that it took three courses of antibiotics to kill it, and I never ovulated. My body was so sick and stressed out by that illness that it did not trust itself to support a baby!
Akin probably at some point heard someone talk about how stress can delay ovulation. In our current society, where fertility discussions have been in the forefront of consciousness for a couple decades, it is not surprising that he might hear this somewhere. Perhaps he has even dealt with this issue personally. So when the question arose, his mind went into the database and found this bit of information, and he said what he said. Here's the thing.... he wasn't wrong. A woman who has suffered a sexual assault is likely under the greatest amount of stress in her lifetime. I am sure many women's cycles have been disrupted by that. That disruption would have a protective effect against pregnancy by delaying ovulation. According to a study on PubMed from the National Institutes of Health, the rate of pregnancy from rape is five percent. Clearly we are not dealing with the majority of rape victims when talking about this issue, and I would imagine the rate is going lower with emergency contraception being offered to rape victims in the ER as standard procedure. (P.S. Catholic teaching is in no way against using contraceptives in this case. A victim has the right to defend herself against her attacker in any way she has available. The intent of using EC is to suppress ovulation and thicken cervical mucus to block sperm from entering the uterus, which are the two primary functionalities of oral contraceptives. In a case where a woman has not consented to sexual activity, she has the right to pursue means of preventing pregnancy. If the unfortunate secondary effect of preventing implantation of an already-fertilized egg should take place, the principle of double-effect applies.) Any woman that finds herself pregnant from rape deserves compassion and guidance, and nothing Todd Akin said or did denied that reality.
The other point on which he has been attacked regards his use of the terminology "legitimate rape." For all the people upset by that, oh please, get over yourselves. There are plenty of cases that feminist advocates and irresponsible women want to call rape that are not. Getting drunk and making stupid choices, then regretting it the next day, is NOT rape. Consenting to sex and then changing your mind in the middle of it is NOT rape. This is rape: a man who knows that you do not want to have sex forcing himself on you. I seriously cannot believe that in the post-Duke lacrosse age, anyone would object to distinguishing legitimate rapes from illegitimate claims of rape.
So now that I have spent several paragraphs defending him, why do I still think Todd Akin is an idiot? I have two reasons. First, if you are going to be a politician on the national level in the United States of America, you had better have your answers straight and ready to go on the issue of abortion. If you are not ready to answer any question about your stance on abortion, which is an issue that gets hashed to death in every single election, intelligently and with references, you are an idiot! Second, he has damaged the Republican bid to gain a majority in the Senate so badly, and he is such a target now, that he should have stepped down in time to allow another candidate to run. He should have bowed out and put the success of the greater mission above his own personal fortunes.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Roger, roger! Baby birds to nest: we have flown!
*sigh*
My fifth and last child started kindergarten this morning. Millions of mothers have been through this before me, and millions will come after me. I am a little different in that I never went through this with my first child. I homeschooled her through 2nd grade, so when she left me, she was 7 years old and very self-possessed. We were also both very ready for that change for several reasons.
With my three other children, of course I felt tugs on my heartstrings as each of them entered school, and each first day of kindergarten was an event both celebrated and mourned, at least by me. But it all felt like natural progression, and each of them was so excited and so ready that I had no real concerns about letting them go. And all four of my older children have proven out my confidence by becoming outstanding students and good citizens of their school communities.
So now we come to the youngest. She was equally excited and ready, even though she is still only four years old. She passed the school district's assessment for admission to kindergarten before the birthday cutoff (which is in September, while her birthday is in October) with flying colors. I have just as much confidence in her as I did in the others. I watched her this morning, walking across the playground and uncertain where to go, approach a teacher and ask for help, with no fear or hesitation. Clearly she can navigate this new environment and will be fine.
I'm sure I am not the first mother to be more deeply affected by her youngest child starting school than by some of the others, and to wonder if that makes me a less-than-stellar mother to my other children. Of course I really do know that is not true, that each child is different, and that my relationship with each is different. But feelings don't really respond to logic.
However, there is a certain element of my relationship with my last baby that is unique. Not many people can say that God basically commanded them to have a specific child....but I can. Every child is a gift from God and His creature, but let's face it, usually we decide when and if to have a child or not. From our perspective, even if God works in the background, our decisions are the only ones we see leading directly to the creation of our children. For me, with this particular child, that is not true. It is impossible to express the sense of obligation and responsibility I feel about my baby girl, because her existence is attributable only to direct, and extremely obvious, intervention by God in my life and consciousness.
I know, I know. Some of you reading this are rolling your eyes and thinking, "Oh great, another Jerry Falwell claiming direct messages from God." I assure you, that is not it at all. No one needs to send me money to prevent my being struck dead. If anyone feels compelled to make sure, however, I am happy to provide a mailing address. ;-)
I don't think I have ever shared this story with anyone besides my husband before, but I feel like I want to today, on this momentous day in the existence of the child God pretty much forcibly placed into my life.
I have never been a perfect Catholic, and have always struggled with the Church's teaching on birth control. (In fact, earlier this year, I chronicled my ultimate failure to obey it.) In late 2006, when my fourth, and what I thought would be last, child was a little over a year old, I had enrolled in a clinical trial for a new method of sterilization. It seemed like the perfect solution. No surgery, no artificial hormones (which can be abortifacient and so are a humungous NO NO, but which also made me feel horrible the short time I did take them), and no cost because I would be assisting in the testing of this new method before it was approved and marketed. Basically it was to be a small spring-type device inserted into each Fallopian tube, which would cause scar tissue to grow and block the tube. I was uncertain, but I figured all women go through some doubt before doing something as radical as ending their fertility, so I tried to dismiss it. I also was fully aware that I was acting directly against my Church and its legitimate authority, and that was tearing me up. I am not one of those that could claim ignorance... I had read and studied and struggled for years, so I knew exactly what I was doing. Contemplating mortal sin and its consequences isn't peaceful and obviously shouldn't be! But I was trying to ignore all that too.
We happened to be running a yard sale at our house a week or two before I was supposed to go in for the procedure. So my husband took the kids to Mass with him early in the morning while I attended to our sale, and then I went to the noon Mass by myself. During Mass there was a baptism, and I saw the sweetest little rosebud of a baby girl, all frilly and frothy in white, carried against the shoulder of her father. The sight struck me to the bone, and I realized I would never see my husband that way again. While my feelings were in turmoil, the ground under my feet rocked. And I don't mean like the little 3.0 earthquakes I felt growing up, I mean the earth turned about 45 degrees under my feet, I lost my balance, and was forced to sit down on the pew before I fell. Everyone else in the church acted normally, so I know I am the only one who saw or felt it. (Literally, the altar was diagonal in my sight!) I have since heard the quote from Blessed Theresa of Calcutta that goes something like, "I know God will never give me more than I can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." Boy can I relate to that quote. Suffice to say that once my physical environment righted itself a second later, I was trembling and having a serious "holy shit" moment.
When I got home, I told my husband what had happened, and told him I could not possibly proceed with my plans. He had never been really thrilled with the idea, so he didn't take much convincing. Then I told him I thought we were being called to have another child. That gave him a lot more pause. We have struggled financially for much of our marriage, and adding a fifth child seemed irresponsible from that that standpoint. There were also times we felt overwhelmed trying to be effective parents to the four we had, and so adding another child to the mix would mean taking the risk of parenting all of them at a lesser level than what they deserved. But the biggest complication was that we had suffered two miscarriages in the few months leading up to this, and the desire to end our ability to have children was in part motivated by wanting to avoid ever facing that pain again.
Let me take this aside to say that our culture has absolutely no understanding or respect for the pain of fathers in that situation. I was utterly shocked and stunned by how the loss of his baby destroyed my husband. I can count maybe two or three times that I have held that strong, brave man while he cries..... and that was by far the worst one. Even in my own pain, I saw that his was raw, deep, and primal. It frightened me.
So asking him to be open to having another child was asking almost too much of him. We had learned the hard way that there were no guarantees, that even if we conceived, we might never have another baby, but only have to mourn another death. There is a saying that still waters run deep, and that perfectly describes my husband. He is a man of deep faith, and he recognized God's intervention when I described it. He put his fear aside, trusted God, and came along on the journey with me.
When the little plus sign showed up on the pregnancy test, we told no one. After having had to tell our children that the baby in Mommy's tummy had died, we decided no one would know I was pregnant until after the first trimester, if I made it that far. We never wanted to see that look in our kids' eyes again. I think my husband probably didn't want to face a repeat, either, of his mother's comment when he informed her of the first miscarriage. I really don't understand how when your son calls you to inform you of the tragedy of the death of his child, the first thing that comes to your tongue is, "Well, you really didn't need another one anyway!" But that is what happened, and I still don't think he has forgiven her for it. (I certainly haven't.) So for many reasons, we waited.
That twelfth week blessedly came and passed, and we both breathed. Maybe we would hold this baby after all. We finally started telling people, and allowing ourselves to plan. We took our kids to the ultrasound appointment at 16 weeks, and they all cheered to learn there was a sister in there. They started calling her by her chosen name, Victoria. They delighted when it seemed she could hear them and would kick their hands on my tummy. My husband played his favorite pregnancy game again each night, pushing back wherever that telltale little lump appeared, and being rewarded by her thumping his hand again and again. All of us still had a little fear, the kids would occasionally express concern that this baby would die too, but as I got bigger and bigger, the worry faded and some of our pain healed. We looked toward birth and joyously waited for her to tell us she was ready.
As if we hadn't had enough indication that this child was special, her birth turned out to be unique as well. I had had a planned home birth with my third child, after two cesareans that I am convinced were medically unnecessary. When the doctor supervising my care in that small Montana city told me my only option was to lay down on that table and be cut open again, because that was how SHE felt comfortable, I rebelled and called a midwife, with support and encouragement from my husband. I had to pay out of pocket but it was worth every penny to prove those impatient, meddling "professionals" wrong. My body can birth the babies I grow! When we moved to Arizona, differences in the laws governing midwives meant I had to give birth in a hospital, but we found one that allowed VBACs (and the fact that we had to search for that is disgusting), and had a wonderful and peaceful birth there. We had planned to return to that hospital, which is about a 30 mile drive away in the middle of Phoenix, but Victoria had other ideas. She was in an awful hurry to be born, and so she was, in my bathroom, while I stood holding onto the sink and the towel bar, and my awesome husband knelt underneath me to catch her. All 10 lbs. 5oz. of her! I found out later that even though my husband had kicked them all out of the master suite, my other kids sneaked in again and watched their sister being born into their father's hands. I cannot describe my feelings when I think about that moment. Few families can say they share anything like it.
After she was born, we settled into nursing whenever she fussed, sleeping fused together most of the time, and learning to incorporate her into the rhythm of a family with some kids in school and several activities going on. She was amazingly calm and easygoing, and never lacked for arms to hold her, voices to sing to her, or faces to entertain her. Such are the dividends of being a fifth child, born three years after the last one! As she has grown she has never lost her serenity, except when mightily provoked by a sibling. I don't want anyone getting the idea she is some perfect angel. She is a normal kid, and she has been frustrated, thrown tantrums, and lied to get out of chores. But her baseline personality is so calm....it seems weird to a high-strung person like me.
I have no idea what God's plan is for this little girl. But I have no doubt He has one. And to a far higher degree than with my other kids, I feel an obligation to stay out of its way and not interfere. I am here to guard and guide more than direct. Today is the beginning of a new phase in her journey to discover it. She is going out into the world to achieve things that are completely hers, separate from me.
Today also represents a personal milestone for me and the fulfillment of a parenting goal I set before I even had children. I have been able to care for my own children during their pre-school formative years. I have been able to fulfill the commitment I made to them that their own parents would be the ones to care for them, and not any paid institution or outsider. At times the sacrifices required to keep that promise I made to them have been painful, bordering on impossible. But I did it. We did it, my husband and I together, and it's an accomplishment of which I feel proud. No one loves or values them like we do, no one is as invested in their futures as we are, and we thought they deserved to have that level of investment every day, all the time. I am grateful we were able to provide it.
Even though there is a little sadness in my heart as my last baby bird starts her test flights out of the nest, today is overwhelmingly a day for joy and celebration. It is truly the day the Lord has made!
My fifth and last child started kindergarten this morning. Millions of mothers have been through this before me, and millions will come after me. I am a little different in that I never went through this with my first child. I homeschooled her through 2nd grade, so when she left me, she was 7 years old and very self-possessed. We were also both very ready for that change for several reasons.
With my three other children, of course I felt tugs on my heartstrings as each of them entered school, and each first day of kindergarten was an event both celebrated and mourned, at least by me. But it all felt like natural progression, and each of them was so excited and so ready that I had no real concerns about letting them go. And all four of my older children have proven out my confidence by becoming outstanding students and good citizens of their school communities.
So now we come to the youngest. She was equally excited and ready, even though she is still only four years old. She passed the school district's assessment for admission to kindergarten before the birthday cutoff (which is in September, while her birthday is in October) with flying colors. I have just as much confidence in her as I did in the others. I watched her this morning, walking across the playground and uncertain where to go, approach a teacher and ask for help, with no fear or hesitation. Clearly she can navigate this new environment and will be fine.
I'm sure I am not the first mother to be more deeply affected by her youngest child starting school than by some of the others, and to wonder if that makes me a less-than-stellar mother to my other children. Of course I really do know that is not true, that each child is different, and that my relationship with each is different. But feelings don't really respond to logic.
However, there is a certain element of my relationship with my last baby that is unique. Not many people can say that God basically commanded them to have a specific child....but I can. Every child is a gift from God and His creature, but let's face it, usually we decide when and if to have a child or not. From our perspective, even if God works in the background, our decisions are the only ones we see leading directly to the creation of our children. For me, with this particular child, that is not true. It is impossible to express the sense of obligation and responsibility I feel about my baby girl, because her existence is attributable only to direct, and extremely obvious, intervention by God in my life and consciousness.
I know, I know. Some of you reading this are rolling your eyes and thinking, "Oh great, another Jerry Falwell claiming direct messages from God." I assure you, that is not it at all. No one needs to send me money to prevent my being struck dead. If anyone feels compelled to make sure, however, I am happy to provide a mailing address. ;-)
I don't think I have ever shared this story with anyone besides my husband before, but I feel like I want to today, on this momentous day in the existence of the child God pretty much forcibly placed into my life.
I have never been a perfect Catholic, and have always struggled with the Church's teaching on birth control. (In fact, earlier this year, I chronicled my ultimate failure to obey it.) In late 2006, when my fourth, and what I thought would be last, child was a little over a year old, I had enrolled in a clinical trial for a new method of sterilization. It seemed like the perfect solution. No surgery, no artificial hormones (which can be abortifacient and so are a humungous NO NO, but which also made me feel horrible the short time I did take them), and no cost because I would be assisting in the testing of this new method before it was approved and marketed. Basically it was to be a small spring-type device inserted into each Fallopian tube, which would cause scar tissue to grow and block the tube. I was uncertain, but I figured all women go through some doubt before doing something as radical as ending their fertility, so I tried to dismiss it. I also was fully aware that I was acting directly against my Church and its legitimate authority, and that was tearing me up. I am not one of those that could claim ignorance... I had read and studied and struggled for years, so I knew exactly what I was doing. Contemplating mortal sin and its consequences isn't peaceful and obviously shouldn't be! But I was trying to ignore all that too.
We happened to be running a yard sale at our house a week or two before I was supposed to go in for the procedure. So my husband took the kids to Mass with him early in the morning while I attended to our sale, and then I went to the noon Mass by myself. During Mass there was a baptism, and I saw the sweetest little rosebud of a baby girl, all frilly and frothy in white, carried against the shoulder of her father. The sight struck me to the bone, and I realized I would never see my husband that way again. While my feelings were in turmoil, the ground under my feet rocked. And I don't mean like the little 3.0 earthquakes I felt growing up, I mean the earth turned about 45 degrees under my feet, I lost my balance, and was forced to sit down on the pew before I fell. Everyone else in the church acted normally, so I know I am the only one who saw or felt it. (Literally, the altar was diagonal in my sight!) I have since heard the quote from Blessed Theresa of Calcutta that goes something like, "I know God will never give me more than I can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." Boy can I relate to that quote. Suffice to say that once my physical environment righted itself a second later, I was trembling and having a serious "holy shit" moment.
When I got home, I told my husband what had happened, and told him I could not possibly proceed with my plans. He had never been really thrilled with the idea, so he didn't take much convincing. Then I told him I thought we were being called to have another child. That gave him a lot more pause. We have struggled financially for much of our marriage, and adding a fifth child seemed irresponsible from that that standpoint. There were also times we felt overwhelmed trying to be effective parents to the four we had, and so adding another child to the mix would mean taking the risk of parenting all of them at a lesser level than what they deserved. But the biggest complication was that we had suffered two miscarriages in the few months leading up to this, and the desire to end our ability to have children was in part motivated by wanting to avoid ever facing that pain again.
Let me take this aside to say that our culture has absolutely no understanding or respect for the pain of fathers in that situation. I was utterly shocked and stunned by how the loss of his baby destroyed my husband. I can count maybe two or three times that I have held that strong, brave man while he cries..... and that was by far the worst one. Even in my own pain, I saw that his was raw, deep, and primal. It frightened me.
So asking him to be open to having another child was asking almost too much of him. We had learned the hard way that there were no guarantees, that even if we conceived, we might never have another baby, but only have to mourn another death. There is a saying that still waters run deep, and that perfectly describes my husband. He is a man of deep faith, and he recognized God's intervention when I described it. He put his fear aside, trusted God, and came along on the journey with me.
When the little plus sign showed up on the pregnancy test, we told no one. After having had to tell our children that the baby in Mommy's tummy had died, we decided no one would know I was pregnant until after the first trimester, if I made it that far. We never wanted to see that look in our kids' eyes again. I think my husband probably didn't want to face a repeat, either, of his mother's comment when he informed her of the first miscarriage. I really don't understand how when your son calls you to inform you of the tragedy of the death of his child, the first thing that comes to your tongue is, "Well, you really didn't need another one anyway!" But that is what happened, and I still don't think he has forgiven her for it. (I certainly haven't.) So for many reasons, we waited.
That twelfth week blessedly came and passed, and we both breathed. Maybe we would hold this baby after all. We finally started telling people, and allowing ourselves to plan. We took our kids to the ultrasound appointment at 16 weeks, and they all cheered to learn there was a sister in there. They started calling her by her chosen name, Victoria. They delighted when it seemed she could hear them and would kick their hands on my tummy. My husband played his favorite pregnancy game again each night, pushing back wherever that telltale little lump appeared, and being rewarded by her thumping his hand again and again. All of us still had a little fear, the kids would occasionally express concern that this baby would die too, but as I got bigger and bigger, the worry faded and some of our pain healed. We looked toward birth and joyously waited for her to tell us she was ready.
As if we hadn't had enough indication that this child was special, her birth turned out to be unique as well. I had had a planned home birth with my third child, after two cesareans that I am convinced were medically unnecessary. When the doctor supervising my care in that small Montana city told me my only option was to lay down on that table and be cut open again, because that was how SHE felt comfortable, I rebelled and called a midwife, with support and encouragement from my husband. I had to pay out of pocket but it was worth every penny to prove those impatient, meddling "professionals" wrong. My body can birth the babies I grow! When we moved to Arizona, differences in the laws governing midwives meant I had to give birth in a hospital, but we found one that allowed VBACs (and the fact that we had to search for that is disgusting), and had a wonderful and peaceful birth there. We had planned to return to that hospital, which is about a 30 mile drive away in the middle of Phoenix, but Victoria had other ideas. She was in an awful hurry to be born, and so she was, in my bathroom, while I stood holding onto the sink and the towel bar, and my awesome husband knelt underneath me to catch her. All 10 lbs. 5oz. of her! I found out later that even though my husband had kicked them all out of the master suite, my other kids sneaked in again and watched their sister being born into their father's hands. I cannot describe my feelings when I think about that moment. Few families can say they share anything like it.
After she was born, we settled into nursing whenever she fussed, sleeping fused together most of the time, and learning to incorporate her into the rhythm of a family with some kids in school and several activities going on. She was amazingly calm and easygoing, and never lacked for arms to hold her, voices to sing to her, or faces to entertain her. Such are the dividends of being a fifth child, born three years after the last one! As she has grown she has never lost her serenity, except when mightily provoked by a sibling. I don't want anyone getting the idea she is some perfect angel. She is a normal kid, and she has been frustrated, thrown tantrums, and lied to get out of chores. But her baseline personality is so calm....it seems weird to a high-strung person like me.
I have no idea what God's plan is for this little girl. But I have no doubt He has one. And to a far higher degree than with my other kids, I feel an obligation to stay out of its way and not interfere. I am here to guard and guide more than direct. Today is the beginning of a new phase in her journey to discover it. She is going out into the world to achieve things that are completely hers, separate from me.
Today also represents a personal milestone for me and the fulfillment of a parenting goal I set before I even had children. I have been able to care for my own children during their pre-school formative years. I have been able to fulfill the commitment I made to them that their own parents would be the ones to care for them, and not any paid institution or outsider. At times the sacrifices required to keep that promise I made to them have been painful, bordering on impossible. But I did it. We did it, my husband and I together, and it's an accomplishment of which I feel proud. No one loves or values them like we do, no one is as invested in their futures as we are, and we thought they deserved to have that level of investment every day, all the time. I am grateful we were able to provide it.
Even though there is a little sadness in my heart as my last baby bird starts her test flights out of the nest, today is overwhelmingly a day for joy and celebration. It is truly the day the Lord has made!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
You lay down with dogs, you get fleas
I live in Arizona. I love my state. But, like any other place, we have our challenges.
Unfortunately, conservative politics attracts certain extremists. I have basically stopped going to conservative political events because white supremacist organizations invariably show up. It pisses me off that my honestly held convictions and traditional beliefs are tainted by these people, and until conservative organizers do a better job of keeping those people out of events, my family will not be participating.
Before anyone says that maybe I should just become more liberal, remember that anarchists attach themselves to liberal political events. They break windows, terrorize businesses, and burn down every Starbucks they can find. I know that those people do not represent the mainstream thought of the majority of people on the left side of the political aisle. So kindly grant me the same courtesy.
Last week, one of the most disgusting denizens of the neo-Nazi movement in Arizona killed himself. Would that he had just started with himself, but no, he also murdered his girlfriend, her daughter, her 18 month old granddaughter, and the baby's father, who was a young Army veteran who had done time in Afghanistan.
So here's the thing, and I am fully prepared to be called a horrible bitch for this.... I don't see the girlfriend as much of a victim in all this. Her daughters were. Her daughter's fiance was. Her granddaughter was the worst, most powerless victim of all.
Lisa Mederos knew JT Ready for six months before she allowed him to move into her home. There is no way he kept his white supremacist tendencies, National Socialist Party membership, and advocacy of landmines along the border, secret from her that long. Especially as all these things were public knowledge discussed in all of our local media outlets. Ready was running for Sheriff in Pinal County, and so was a public figure. She knew what he was and what he thought.
And she still let that slimy piece of shit move into the home where her daughters lived with her. What kind of mother does that?
According to news stories, Ready had lived there about six months. That means that he moved in sometime in December. Mederos called Gilbert police months after the fact to report that Ready had choked her in August 2011. Excuse me, but that is BEFORE she let him move in. So she also knew he was violent and abusive to women in general, and her in particular, BEFORE she let him move into the home where her daughters lived with her. Again I ask, what kind of mother does that?
In the short time he lived there, Ready made the Mederos daughters miserable and forced both of them to move out. He ordered Lisa to make her daughters move out. OK, so the violent neo-Nazi you just allowed to move in to your home, who has already choked you at least once, dumps bottled water over your head when you buy the wrong brand, and is now freeloading off you because he can't even manage to not get fired from his crappy minimum-wage job at AutoZone, orders you to force your daughters out of your home in favor of him..... and YOU DO IT?!
I'm sorry, no one can possibly be THAT good in bed.
So, call me all the awful names you want, but this is a case of a woman paying the price for her own disgusting choices. There are dozens of cases here in Arizona, and all over the country, of what I call "death by Mommy's boyfriend." I am sick of it. I am utterly, fiercely sick of children harmed or killed because their mothers, for some reason, just cannot exist without some man in bed next to them. Violent criminals, selfish freeloaders, drug users, serial domestic abusers..... too many women allow these bastards to live with their babies. If you can't even muster the strength that a mother bird shows defending her nest, when you invite slimebags into your life, watch them harm your children, and then keep the slimebag around AFTER he hurts your children, that, to me, constitutes burning up your mother card.
I know that it goes the other way too. There was one heinous case where a dad's girlfriend killed the children after CPS left them in dad's custody in violation of a court order. So I know that dads can invite evil people into their kids' lives too. (Ask me about some of my dad's previous girlfriends...ugh. ;-p ) But we mothers are the ones who carry these babies under our hearts for nine months, we nourish them from our own bodies. Our bond is just different, and mothers who violate it are the lowest of all creatures to me. Women who stand by and let someone hurt their babies, are, to me, in many ways, worse than the perpetrators themselves. The perp has no bond of trust or love or commitment to that baby. Mothers do. Our babies trust us to be willing to lay down our lives to protect them, and these bitches won't even suffer inconvenience for theirs.
Lest anyone think I would excuse abuse by biological fathers as opposed to shack up boyfriends, while I will not go into detail, our family had a brief struggle with behavior that crossed the line a few years ago. Anyone who knows me knows how wrapped up in my husband I am... I love him passionately and my life with him is everything I ever hoped for myself and my children. But I told him he needed to leave our home, go to his mother's, and figure out his shit or not come back. I will not allow anyone to be abusive with my children, even if his name is Dad. Thankfully, we solved our issues as a family, he has never repeated such behavior, and we were all able to move on. Lest anyone think badly of Craig, let me assure you that behavior on my part was largely to blame for his anger and loss of control. So it really was a family issue that we needed to solve together. But regardless of my faults, nothing on Earth justifies anyone hurting my babies, and I was fully prepared to accept the demise of my married home if that was what it took.
The "babies" in this case may have been adults, but so what? Lisa Mederos allowed JT Ready into her home knowing what he was, at the same time her girls were living there. She allowed him to stay after he kicked her babies out. She chose him over her children.
At the time she died, she had finally woken up and was trying to break up with him and get rid of him. But what the hell took her so long? Unfortunately, she paid the ultimate price, as women who entangle themselves with abusers often do, especially when they finally try to break away. In that, I grant her a modicum of victimhood. She figured it out too late, but she should have had a chance to try and start again. Ready took that away from her, and he had no right to do so. He stole the future of three generations of one family. Would that he had only ended his own future, as that was going nowhere good anyway.
Unfortunately, conservative politics attracts certain extremists. I have basically stopped going to conservative political events because white supremacist organizations invariably show up. It pisses me off that my honestly held convictions and traditional beliefs are tainted by these people, and until conservative organizers do a better job of keeping those people out of events, my family will not be participating.
Before anyone says that maybe I should just become more liberal, remember that anarchists attach themselves to liberal political events. They break windows, terrorize businesses, and burn down every Starbucks they can find. I know that those people do not represent the mainstream thought of the majority of people on the left side of the political aisle. So kindly grant me the same courtesy.
Last week, one of the most disgusting denizens of the neo-Nazi movement in Arizona killed himself. Would that he had just started with himself, but no, he also murdered his girlfriend, her daughter, her 18 month old granddaughter, and the baby's father, who was a young Army veteran who had done time in Afghanistan.
So here's the thing, and I am fully prepared to be called a horrible bitch for this.... I don't see the girlfriend as much of a victim in all this. Her daughters were. Her daughter's fiance was. Her granddaughter was the worst, most powerless victim of all.
Lisa Mederos knew JT Ready for six months before she allowed him to move into her home. There is no way he kept his white supremacist tendencies, National Socialist Party membership, and advocacy of landmines along the border, secret from her that long. Especially as all these things were public knowledge discussed in all of our local media outlets. Ready was running for Sheriff in Pinal County, and so was a public figure. She knew what he was and what he thought.
And she still let that slimy piece of shit move into the home where her daughters lived with her. What kind of mother does that?
According to news stories, Ready had lived there about six months. That means that he moved in sometime in December. Mederos called Gilbert police months after the fact to report that Ready had choked her in August 2011. Excuse me, but that is BEFORE she let him move in. So she also knew he was violent and abusive to women in general, and her in particular, BEFORE she let him move into the home where her daughters lived with her. Again I ask, what kind of mother does that?
In the short time he lived there, Ready made the Mederos daughters miserable and forced both of them to move out. He ordered Lisa to make her daughters move out. OK, so the violent neo-Nazi you just allowed to move in to your home, who has already choked you at least once, dumps bottled water over your head when you buy the wrong brand, and is now freeloading off you because he can't even manage to not get fired from his crappy minimum-wage job at AutoZone, orders you to force your daughters out of your home in favor of him..... and YOU DO IT?!
I'm sorry, no one can possibly be THAT good in bed.
So, call me all the awful names you want, but this is a case of a woman paying the price for her own disgusting choices. There are dozens of cases here in Arizona, and all over the country, of what I call "death by Mommy's boyfriend." I am sick of it. I am utterly, fiercely sick of children harmed or killed because their mothers, for some reason, just cannot exist without some man in bed next to them. Violent criminals, selfish freeloaders, drug users, serial domestic abusers..... too many women allow these bastards to live with their babies. If you can't even muster the strength that a mother bird shows defending her nest, when you invite slimebags into your life, watch them harm your children, and then keep the slimebag around AFTER he hurts your children, that, to me, constitutes burning up your mother card.
I know that it goes the other way too. There was one heinous case where a dad's girlfriend killed the children after CPS left them in dad's custody in violation of a court order. So I know that dads can invite evil people into their kids' lives too. (Ask me about some of my dad's previous girlfriends...ugh. ;-p ) But we mothers are the ones who carry these babies under our hearts for nine months, we nourish them from our own bodies. Our bond is just different, and mothers who violate it are the lowest of all creatures to me. Women who stand by and let someone hurt their babies, are, to me, in many ways, worse than the perpetrators themselves. The perp has no bond of trust or love or commitment to that baby. Mothers do. Our babies trust us to be willing to lay down our lives to protect them, and these bitches won't even suffer inconvenience for theirs.
Lest anyone think I would excuse abuse by biological fathers as opposed to shack up boyfriends, while I will not go into detail, our family had a brief struggle with behavior that crossed the line a few years ago. Anyone who knows me knows how wrapped up in my husband I am... I love him passionately and my life with him is everything I ever hoped for myself and my children. But I told him he needed to leave our home, go to his mother's, and figure out his shit or not come back. I will not allow anyone to be abusive with my children, even if his name is Dad. Thankfully, we solved our issues as a family, he has never repeated such behavior, and we were all able to move on. Lest anyone think badly of Craig, let me assure you that behavior on my part was largely to blame for his anger and loss of control. So it really was a family issue that we needed to solve together. But regardless of my faults, nothing on Earth justifies anyone hurting my babies, and I was fully prepared to accept the demise of my married home if that was what it took.
The "babies" in this case may have been adults, but so what? Lisa Mederos allowed JT Ready into her home knowing what he was, at the same time her girls were living there. She allowed him to stay after he kicked her babies out. She chose him over her children.
At the time she died, she had finally woken up and was trying to break up with him and get rid of him. But what the hell took her so long? Unfortunately, she paid the ultimate price, as women who entangle themselves with abusers often do, especially when they finally try to break away. In that, I grant her a modicum of victimhood. She figured it out too late, but she should have had a chance to try and start again. Ready took that away from her, and he had no right to do so. He stole the future of three generations of one family. Would that he had only ended his own future, as that was going nowhere good anyway.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Let's talk about sex, baby.
So one of the big news stories in Arizona this week was that our teen pregnancy rate showed the largest drop in the nation, according to the latest available statistics. Of course that is good news. As the mother of a teenage girl myself, I celebrate the fact that fewer children are having babies they are not prepared to raise.
However, the treatment of the story by commentators had me absolutely livid. I am a talk radio listener. I usually leave it on all day as background noise, tuning in when I hear something that catches my interest. I hear, and at times call in and participate in, more in-depth discussion of many news stories than the soundbites on the TV news. So when I heard the local fill-in guy going on and on and on about how this did NOT reflect more abstinence, but only increased contraceptive use, and the percentage of sexually active teenagers had NOT changed, and it was ALL about more contraceptive use.... as if it were his mission to make absolutely certain that there was no way that any of this good news could be tied to....GASP .... traditional values, I got so sputtering angry that my kids watched me struggle to form a sentence about it. Of course, they are used to this. They just laughed and said, "Mom's yelling at the radio again," to each other with giggles and knowing little nods.
As I drove them to school, I thought about why it made me so angry. I mean, it's nothing more than we hear every day. "Kids will do it anyway." "Abstinence education doesn't work." Anyone who disagrees with these pronouncemets is branded naive, stupid, or a religious radical. I am neither naive nor stupid, but I am willing to wear the third badge. As a serious, practicing Catholic, who strives to accept and live all the teachings of my Church, that's how I am regarded by society at large, and frankly, by most of my own family. (By the way, I am a failure at one of the biggies... see here for discussion of that.)
What I realized is that our public discussion of sexuality, for both teens and adults, is purely about the physical. We regard ourselves as successes if people avoid disease or unintended pregnancy. What we never talk about is whether they should be having sex at all. We don't talk about the impact of sexuality on hearts, minds, and souls.
This society regards itself as a success when more teenagers reach adulthood without having had a baby or contracted a disease. Why is it that we don't regard ourselves as failures when the only things we teach them about sex are how to have it in a defensive posture? When all we teach them is to protect themselves against the people they decide to share their bodies with? When we neglect to warn them about and ignore the evidence of broken hearts, degraded spirits, and jaded attitudes? When we teach our children that engaging in the most intimate thing two people can do, while only considering how to keep their innermost selves safe from the person they are sharing it with, what kind of accomplishment is that? When we tell them it's fine to do things that say forever, while knowing the relationship they do them in has almost no chance of being anything but temporary, how do we consider ourselves decent parents?
When are American parents going to step up and do better for their kids? When are we, as a society, going to stop living this fiction that sex can be a recreational activity with no consequences? When are we going to start telling our kids the truth about just how much one person gives of themselves to another when they share a sexual embrace, and how dangerous it is, not physically, but spiritually and emotionally, to share that with the wrong person?
In short, when are we going to admit the truth that the sexual revolution has largely destroyed the fabric of this country's social structure, and start rebuilding it by acknowledging that maybe those repressive grandparents who thought you should save it for marriage might just have known what the hell they were talking about?
I don't know about anyone reading this, but my children are too precious to be launched into the world believing such dangerous tripe. They won't hear from me that the gift from God to married couples, in which they are privileged to help Him create new human beings in His image and likeness, is acceptably dumbed down into a team sport, with as many players on the field as you choose.
When high standards are promoted, some people fail to live up to them. That has always been true. But when societies decide that because some fail, none should try, that is when they collapse. The acceptance of only the lowest standards ensures that everyone can meet them and almost no one will exceed them.
I have a much different vision for how sexuality will become part of my children's lives. I want them to know that it is a beautiful and powerful gift from God, that has unbelievable responsibility attached to it, and that when used correctly, its rewards are more than anyone can describe. In short, I will teach them the Catholic vision of sexuality, in all its life and soul-affirming truth and joy.
Call me crazy, call me stupid. But you'll never be able to say that I didn't TRY.
However, the treatment of the story by commentators had me absolutely livid. I am a talk radio listener. I usually leave it on all day as background noise, tuning in when I hear something that catches my interest. I hear, and at times call in and participate in, more in-depth discussion of many news stories than the soundbites on the TV news. So when I heard the local fill-in guy going on and on and on about how this did NOT reflect more abstinence, but only increased contraceptive use, and the percentage of sexually active teenagers had NOT changed, and it was ALL about more contraceptive use.... as if it were his mission to make absolutely certain that there was no way that any of this good news could be tied to....GASP .... traditional values, I got so sputtering angry that my kids watched me struggle to form a sentence about it. Of course, they are used to this. They just laughed and said, "Mom's yelling at the radio again," to each other with giggles and knowing little nods.
As I drove them to school, I thought about why it made me so angry. I mean, it's nothing more than we hear every day. "Kids will do it anyway." "Abstinence education doesn't work." Anyone who disagrees with these pronouncemets is branded naive, stupid, or a religious radical. I am neither naive nor stupid, but I am willing to wear the third badge. As a serious, practicing Catholic, who strives to accept and live all the teachings of my Church, that's how I am regarded by society at large, and frankly, by most of my own family. (By the way, I am a failure at one of the biggies... see here for discussion of that.)
What I realized is that our public discussion of sexuality, for both teens and adults, is purely about the physical. We regard ourselves as successes if people avoid disease or unintended pregnancy. What we never talk about is whether they should be having sex at all. We don't talk about the impact of sexuality on hearts, minds, and souls.
This society regards itself as a success when more teenagers reach adulthood without having had a baby or contracted a disease. Why is it that we don't regard ourselves as failures when the only things we teach them about sex are how to have it in a defensive posture? When all we teach them is to protect themselves against the people they decide to share their bodies with? When we neglect to warn them about and ignore the evidence of broken hearts, degraded spirits, and jaded attitudes? When we teach our children that engaging in the most intimate thing two people can do, while only considering how to keep their innermost selves safe from the person they are sharing it with, what kind of accomplishment is that? When we tell them it's fine to do things that say forever, while knowing the relationship they do them in has almost no chance of being anything but temporary, how do we consider ourselves decent parents?
When are American parents going to step up and do better for their kids? When are we, as a society, going to stop living this fiction that sex can be a recreational activity with no consequences? When are we going to start telling our kids the truth about just how much one person gives of themselves to another when they share a sexual embrace, and how dangerous it is, not physically, but spiritually and emotionally, to share that with the wrong person?
In short, when are we going to admit the truth that the sexual revolution has largely destroyed the fabric of this country's social structure, and start rebuilding it by acknowledging that maybe those repressive grandparents who thought you should save it for marriage might just have known what the hell they were talking about?
I don't know about anyone reading this, but my children are too precious to be launched into the world believing such dangerous tripe. They won't hear from me that the gift from God to married couples, in which they are privileged to help Him create new human beings in His image and likeness, is acceptably dumbed down into a team sport, with as many players on the field as you choose.
When high standards are promoted, some people fail to live up to them. That has always been true. But when societies decide that because some fail, none should try, that is when they collapse. The acceptance of only the lowest standards ensures that everyone can meet them and almost no one will exceed them.
I have a much different vision for how sexuality will become part of my children's lives. I want them to know that it is a beautiful and powerful gift from God, that has unbelievable responsibility attached to it, and that when used correctly, its rewards are more than anyone can describe. In short, I will teach them the Catholic vision of sexuality, in all its life and soul-affirming truth and joy.
Call me crazy, call me stupid. But you'll never be able to say that I didn't TRY.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Damn it! It's still there.
Awesome. All it takes is a hurt back and ruined plans for housecleaning to completely derail my life. Seriously, I stopped off at Wally World after dropping off the kids this morning and stocked up for spring cleaning. I came home with a brand new mop, a big pack of new scrubber sponges, and several bottles of my favorite cleaning products. I was all set to have a good, productive day, and then I hurt my back bringing in the groceries, and am stuck on the heating pad hoping I can work Sunday night.
And of course, we all know what that leads to.....DAYTIME TV! While flipping channels amongst the latest Maury paternity special and Dr. Phil's parade of parental misfits, I landed on A Baby Story. I used to watch this show regularly, but finally had to shut it off while preparing myself to attempt a VBAC. It seemed like every damned one was ending in a cesarean after really obvious doctor meddling, and it was, as Garth Algar so eloquently stated, "sucking my will to live!" So I have probably not watched that show in a decade.
So what episode do I land on today? Of course it was the beautiful, peaceful, midwife-attended water birth. I watched for a few minutes, loving what I was seeing, especially when the mom said she didn't feel ready to push yet, and her midwife said, "OK, that's fine. You'll know when you're ready." And she did. And she pushed that baby out quickly, with no trauma, and with no one screaming or counting at her, or shoving her knees in her ears. And I promptly burst into tears.
Damn it. It's still there.
My description says I am a newly-certified CNA and says that I will talk about my journey into the healthcare system. But I am starting to think that it might turn into the story of my journey right back out of it.
Many people in my life were shocked by my decision to get certified and work as a nursing assistant. Due to my birth experiences and history, I developed a serious dislike of doctors and nurses. When it comes to acute trauma, injury, or disease, medical care in this country is second-to-none. Lives are saved every day that would be lost anywhere else. But when it comes to a natural process like uncomplicated birth, their involvement more often causes problems rather than solving anything. For women who truly do have complications in pregnancy or cannot give birth other than by cesarean, obstetricians are a blessing. But there is absolutely no way that more than 25% of women in this country are incapable of giving birth without surgical intervention. If that were true, the species would have died out long ago. Many of the things that are done to women in childbirth in this country would be sexual assault, or straight battery, if done in any other venue, and a lot of times, that's about how much consent is involved. Birth does not have to be that way.
Honestly, my choice to enter the field of healthcare was purely economic. My husband wanted to get out of the military, and for him to do so, I had to help support the family. I figured that this was a field in which there would always be jobs, and it didn't cost much in money or time to take the class and get certified. So here I am, and I hate it. Oh my God, do I hate it. I will stay with it for now, because my husband is in school and working full time, and I am carrying our health insurance. But I spend every day before a night that I work dreading it. And my expectations are usually fulfilled. I thought I might progress to becoming a nurse, but now that I have seen the inner workings of it all.... you couldn't pay me enough. I don't have the desire or drive to get through nursing school, and I don't want the job that waits at the end of it.
So where am I going with all this? Midwifery.
I have many times considered pursuing a career as a midwife. Natural, peaceful, healthy birth, that feeds women's spirits and empowers them as mothers by demonstrating their capability, has been a passion of mine since soon after it was stolen from me. I eventually reclaimed it, but only with the help of a pair of midwives in Montana, and the support of a husband who couldn't stand to watch me suffer any more.
I have all the same fears and concerns I have always had every time I considered this in the past. I am not sure I have what it takes to face the risks of starting a business, and I wonder if I have the right to put my family's economic well-being at risk just to pursue my own dream. I wonder how I would be available for births at all hours and still take care of my family. I wonder if I have the right personality, disposition, or enough strength to be so pivotal to women in need at their most vulnerable time. Do I dare take on that much responsibility?
But the fact remains that the only two things that have ever inspired passion in me, from which I could make a career, are birth and politics. I can't and won't do politics while I am still raising children, and judging from what happens to even the best people in the political arena, I am not sure I ever will. And birth just keeps smashing into my stream of consciousness, like today. I am starting to think God might be trying to lead me somewhere, and that He is getting tired of waiting for me to catch on, and has now resorted to bat-upside-the-head tactics. Of course, He had to set a bush on fire to get through to Moses, so.....
I keep thinking that now that my own childbearing days are over, this passion will become less immediate and I can move on to other things. And then I see a water birth on TV and act like a faucet. I have run from this for a long time, because I know that working as a doula and then a midwife is going to engage everything in my being, take me up, and wring me out emotionally every single time. There is no way I will be able to maintain any kind of detachment or distance. It will take everything I am out of me, and then replace it. Over and over again.
But isn't that what all the most successful people say about their life's work?
And of course, we all know what that leads to.....DAYTIME TV! While flipping channels amongst the latest Maury paternity special and Dr. Phil's parade of parental misfits, I landed on A Baby Story. I used to watch this show regularly, but finally had to shut it off while preparing myself to attempt a VBAC. It seemed like every damned one was ending in a cesarean after really obvious doctor meddling, and it was, as Garth Algar so eloquently stated, "sucking my will to live!" So I have probably not watched that show in a decade.
So what episode do I land on today? Of course it was the beautiful, peaceful, midwife-attended water birth. I watched for a few minutes, loving what I was seeing, especially when the mom said she didn't feel ready to push yet, and her midwife said, "OK, that's fine. You'll know when you're ready." And she did. And she pushed that baby out quickly, with no trauma, and with no one screaming or counting at her, or shoving her knees in her ears. And I promptly burst into tears.
Damn it. It's still there.
My description says I am a newly-certified CNA and says that I will talk about my journey into the healthcare system. But I am starting to think that it might turn into the story of my journey right back out of it.
Many people in my life were shocked by my decision to get certified and work as a nursing assistant. Due to my birth experiences and history, I developed a serious dislike of doctors and nurses. When it comes to acute trauma, injury, or disease, medical care in this country is second-to-none. Lives are saved every day that would be lost anywhere else. But when it comes to a natural process like uncomplicated birth, their involvement more often causes problems rather than solving anything. For women who truly do have complications in pregnancy or cannot give birth other than by cesarean, obstetricians are a blessing. But there is absolutely no way that more than 25% of women in this country are incapable of giving birth without surgical intervention. If that were true, the species would have died out long ago. Many of the things that are done to women in childbirth in this country would be sexual assault, or straight battery, if done in any other venue, and a lot of times, that's about how much consent is involved. Birth does not have to be that way.
Honestly, my choice to enter the field of healthcare was purely economic. My husband wanted to get out of the military, and for him to do so, I had to help support the family. I figured that this was a field in which there would always be jobs, and it didn't cost much in money or time to take the class and get certified. So here I am, and I hate it. Oh my God, do I hate it. I will stay with it for now, because my husband is in school and working full time, and I am carrying our health insurance. But I spend every day before a night that I work dreading it. And my expectations are usually fulfilled. I thought I might progress to becoming a nurse, but now that I have seen the inner workings of it all.... you couldn't pay me enough. I don't have the desire or drive to get through nursing school, and I don't want the job that waits at the end of it.
So where am I going with all this? Midwifery.
I have many times considered pursuing a career as a midwife. Natural, peaceful, healthy birth, that feeds women's spirits and empowers them as mothers by demonstrating their capability, has been a passion of mine since soon after it was stolen from me. I eventually reclaimed it, but only with the help of a pair of midwives in Montana, and the support of a husband who couldn't stand to watch me suffer any more.
I have all the same fears and concerns I have always had every time I considered this in the past. I am not sure I have what it takes to face the risks of starting a business, and I wonder if I have the right to put my family's economic well-being at risk just to pursue my own dream. I wonder how I would be available for births at all hours and still take care of my family. I wonder if I have the right personality, disposition, or enough strength to be so pivotal to women in need at their most vulnerable time. Do I dare take on that much responsibility?
But the fact remains that the only two things that have ever inspired passion in me, from which I could make a career, are birth and politics. I can't and won't do politics while I am still raising children, and judging from what happens to even the best people in the political arena, I am not sure I ever will. And birth just keeps smashing into my stream of consciousness, like today. I am starting to think God might be trying to lead me somewhere, and that He is getting tired of waiting for me to catch on, and has now resorted to bat-upside-the-head tactics. Of course, He had to set a bush on fire to get through to Moses, so.....
I keep thinking that now that my own childbearing days are over, this passion will become less immediate and I can move on to other things. And then I see a water birth on TV and act like a faucet. I have run from this for a long time, because I know that working as a doula and then a midwife is going to engage everything in my being, take me up, and wring me out emotionally every single time. There is no way I will be able to maintain any kind of detachment or distance. It will take everything I am out of me, and then replace it. Over and over again.
But isn't that what all the most successful people say about their life's work?
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
"She's got a grip!"
Wow, I went two months without posting. I had a car accident less than a week after my last post, and let's just say it derailed a whole lot of things, this blog being one. No serious injuries, and now I am trying to get back in the saddle.
"She's got a grip!" Oh, how I wish that applied to me. Sadly, no. That statement is how I was ushered into parenting. My oldest child turned 14 yesterday, and I thought about what that nurse said the day she was born, over and over, while celebrating her birthday yesterday.
"She's got a grip!" It's turned out so prophetic. She was born by cesarean after an induced labor, during which a moronic doctor broke my water at 4 cm and doomed her into an unfavorable position in which her 9 lb. 13 oz. body was not going to come through my pelvis. (I had three VBACs later, with babies the same size and bigger, so clearly her size was not the issue.) Anyway, while she was being suctioned, she got irritated and grabbed the cannula so forcefully that it took two nurses to pry her fingers off of it.
Seconds after her birth, my girl had an opinion and forcefully expressed it. She knew what she wanted and fought until she got it. Atta girl! We should have known then.
All of my children have turned out the same way. With five of them, clearly we deal with differing personalities, strengths, interests, aptitudes, and yes, failings and weaknesses. But every single one of them has a clear view of their world, definite opinions and desires, and knows how to express themselves and achieve goals.
I suppose my husband and I could take credit for this, but really, that wouldn't be fair. All we do is love them and let them tell us who they are. When they do things the right way, we support and congratulate them. When they don't, we guide, correct, and sometimes have to punish them. But what is that except what all parents should do?
They have to choose each day to be people who will achieve or not. Who will be kind or not. Who will move forward on the path of life or stagnate. And most of the time, they choose correctly.
I don't know how the hell I am qualified to have custody of any of these insanely awesome young people. I hope I make good return to God for the blessings and privileges He has afforded me in sending them to me.
I feel like I should say more, but my brain is starting to shut down and it's time to nap before I pick up the kids from school and go to work tonight. Nighty night all!
"She's got a grip!" Oh, how I wish that applied to me. Sadly, no. That statement is how I was ushered into parenting. My oldest child turned 14 yesterday, and I thought about what that nurse said the day she was born, over and over, while celebrating her birthday yesterday.
"She's got a grip!" It's turned out so prophetic. She was born by cesarean after an induced labor, during which a moronic doctor broke my water at 4 cm and doomed her into an unfavorable position in which her 9 lb. 13 oz. body was not going to come through my pelvis. (I had three VBACs later, with babies the same size and bigger, so clearly her size was not the issue.) Anyway, while she was being suctioned, she got irritated and grabbed the cannula so forcefully that it took two nurses to pry her fingers off of it.
Seconds after her birth, my girl had an opinion and forcefully expressed it. She knew what she wanted and fought until she got it. Atta girl! We should have known then.
All of my children have turned out the same way. With five of them, clearly we deal with differing personalities, strengths, interests, aptitudes, and yes, failings and weaknesses. But every single one of them has a clear view of their world, definite opinions and desires, and knows how to express themselves and achieve goals.
I suppose my husband and I could take credit for this, but really, that wouldn't be fair. All we do is love them and let them tell us who they are. When they do things the right way, we support and congratulate them. When they don't, we guide, correct, and sometimes have to punish them. But what is that except what all parents should do?
They have to choose each day to be people who will achieve or not. Who will be kind or not. Who will move forward on the path of life or stagnate. And most of the time, they choose correctly.
I don't know how the hell I am qualified to have custody of any of these insanely awesome young people. I hope I make good return to God for the blessings and privileges He has afforded me in sending them to me.
I feel like I should say more, but my brain is starting to shut down and it's time to nap before I pick up the kids from school and go to work tonight. Nighty night all!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
My failure invalidates precisely nothing
OK time to go all religious on you, folks. Honestly, President Obama and Kathleen Sebelius didn't give me much choice.
I am a Catholic. I will fight the encroachment of the Federal government upon the rights of my Church. If you are not Catholic, I am fighting the encroachment of the Federal government upon the rights of your church too! Your church allows contraception and sterilization, you say? The particulars of the belief in question don't matter. What matters is that, in direct violation of the First Amendment, the Federal government has informed our Church that we are not allowed to hold and practice this belief without penalty from them. If we drop health coverage for employees to avoid the requirement to fund contraceptives and sterilization, then the Federal government will fine us. And the fines are not small. If we continue to write policies, the law requires we write them to violate our beliefs. This time, it may be a belief or teaching you don't care about. But what happens when the Feds again decide the Catholic Church, or any other church, teaches something they don't think it should? And this time it's one you care about? If you sat back and allowed them to destroy our First Amendment rights this time, how can you hold the line the next time?
Some people would call me a hypocrite. Many people in my life don't know what I am about to admit, and I'll be honest, I am afraid their opinion of me will change. But one cannot operate on fear.
I had a tubal ligation in December 2007, a couple months after my fifth child was born.
Yep, I disobeyed the Church. I committed a mortal sin. I thought all my reasons were good at the time, and that the Church was just being unreasonable, so therefore it was fine for me to disobey. All the normal rationalizations that one tells themselves when they set out to purposely disobey God.
And you know what? That means precisely.... NOTHING. My failure to live up the the laws of the Catholic Church in no way invalidates those laws. If surveys are to be believed, at least 90% of Catholics fail in obeying this particular teaching. Even failing on that massive scale does not affect the validity of the Church's teaching. All it means is that the human sin of pride is alive and well. If the sins of its members invalidated the laws of the Catholic Church, then the Church wouldn't have survived one century, never mind twenty. And if only the pure can defend the Church, then there is no one to defend Her. As Jesus said about throwing stones....
I have nothing but the deepest respect for people who are able to live up to the Church's requirement of the use of only natural methods for regulating births. They are stronger than me and I know it. But they have their sins too, they are just different ones from mine.
I did go through a period of rebelliousness when I called myself a "birth control dissenter." What we like to call "common sense" told me that it was impossible for people to actually live that way. Those ideas were just outdated and the hangover from Medieval attempts to control the laity in every respect. Basically, I bought into secular reasoning on this topic, which is hard not to do. I must say, too, though, that some supporters of NFP methods do the Church no favors, in that their lack of charity can be breathtaking. But in the end, after some growth and soul searching, and further reading of works that both supported and attacked the Church's position, I came to realize that there really isn't anything special about my position or my choice at all. I am merely a sinner, who needs the hospital of the Church for her soul. The fact that my sin has to do with a controversial topic, and would be regarded by most as no sin at all, again means nothing.
I submitted myself to the legitimate authority of the Church and made my Confession. I expressed remorse and received absolution, so I know in my head that God has forgiven me my sin. Sometimes my heart is another matter, though. Even expiated sin leaves lingering temporal effects, which is why Purgatory exists. (That is a whole other post and I am not getting into it here!) Some days I am pretty sure that we do part of our time in Purgatory here on Earth. Just before the doctor put me under for the surgery, I almost told him to stop, don't do it! But I hesitated and the moment was lost. I live with consequences from the choice I made often. I wonder who the next baby would have been. I wonder if God would have blessed us with a third son. And I feel the absence in my life. Victoria being four, by now I would have had another baby if our previous pattern and fertility continued. Of course our lives would be different, and some sacrifices would have been necessary, had we chosen to have more children. But different is not always bad. In fact it's not even usually bad. Whenever I have these feelings, though, my mind reminds me of the financial struggle, physical consequences, and unkind social pressure that led to the decision in the first place. It reminds me of my two lost babies, the ones I loved but never got to hold, and how Craig and I were so afraid to face that again that we almost didn't have Victoria. Sometimes I feel momentarily guilty about making love to my husband, even though my priest assured me that I should not. I also feel guilty about depriving him of the opportunity to love more little people that look like him, because no matter how hard things got, he would always have been happy to greet another child into the world. His well of love is deep and always ready to grow. There are reasons he could not bring himself to do what I did, and I am sure I don't know the half of them. In short, I live with spiritual warfare inside myself, as the price of my disobedience.
The worst temporal effect, by far, though, is that I have to explain this to my children as they grow up and I teach them about marriage and the Church. Talk about Purgatory on Earth. All I can do is emphasize that we are all sinners, and this is one of my more obvious sins. I don't pretend that these issues are easy to decide for anyone, nor that they will likely cause my children and their spouses struggle and sleepless nights as they did me. I suppose I will be in a unique position to understand and offer charity and sympathy. You will never see me on a blog or message board screaming that contraceptors should be thrown out of the Church. Yes, there are people who actually do say that. I always ask them, for what other sins do we summarily throw people out of the Church? There are sins bad enough that they incur automatic excommunication and can ordinarily only be absolved by the Bishop, but they are extremely few. But, we don't throw people out of the Church for committing murder, rape, or abusing children. We don't throw out people who cohabit in a sexual relationship without being married, straight or gay. They may be in a state of mortal sin, but they can always come back and confess those sins and restore their communion with the Body of Christ. Their membership in the Church is unaffected. Yet some people think those who practice contraception should be just thrown out? Reminds me of a dialogue about eyes, specks, and beams....
And so, this is how a woman with her tubes tied ends up defending the Catholic Church and its teaching on contraception. I challenge anyone to read the papal encyclical Humanae Vitae by Paul VI, the one that confirmed the teaching of the Church against artficial birth control in 1968, and tell me that all of his predictions for society did not come to pass.
As I said in the beginning, though, the particular moral teaching that the Federal government's action impacts upon really, truly, is not the issue. This is about the First Amendment, and the absolute prohibition on the government interfering in churches, and its utter disregard by this Administration. Non-Catholics and Catholic birth control dissenters... join us in the fight. Because if we lose and they win, the Constitution is dead and churches will be subject to government control or suppression, like they are in China and Pakistan now and in the Soviet Union in the last century.
I will end as I began. I am a Catholic. I am loyal to my Church and try my best to accept and obey all Her teachings, even when I don't fully understand them. I recognize Her authority as legitimate and coming directly from Jesus Christ. When She is under attack, I will do my best to defend Her. But I am also an American, and I regard the Constitution as precious and one of the pinnacles of human achievement. By standing up against the onerous intrusion of the Obama Administration upon the Church's rights, I am defending both my Church and my country. And your church and your country, too.
I am a Catholic. I will fight the encroachment of the Federal government upon the rights of my Church. If you are not Catholic, I am fighting the encroachment of the Federal government upon the rights of your church too! Your church allows contraception and sterilization, you say? The particulars of the belief in question don't matter. What matters is that, in direct violation of the First Amendment, the Federal government has informed our Church that we are not allowed to hold and practice this belief without penalty from them. If we drop health coverage for employees to avoid the requirement to fund contraceptives and sterilization, then the Federal government will fine us. And the fines are not small. If we continue to write policies, the law requires we write them to violate our beliefs. This time, it may be a belief or teaching you don't care about. But what happens when the Feds again decide the Catholic Church, or any other church, teaches something they don't think it should? And this time it's one you care about? If you sat back and allowed them to destroy our First Amendment rights this time, how can you hold the line the next time?
Some people would call me a hypocrite. Many people in my life don't know what I am about to admit, and I'll be honest, I am afraid their opinion of me will change. But one cannot operate on fear.
I had a tubal ligation in December 2007, a couple months after my fifth child was born.
Yep, I disobeyed the Church. I committed a mortal sin. I thought all my reasons were good at the time, and that the Church was just being unreasonable, so therefore it was fine for me to disobey. All the normal rationalizations that one tells themselves when they set out to purposely disobey God.
And you know what? That means precisely.... NOTHING. My failure to live up the the laws of the Catholic Church in no way invalidates those laws. If surveys are to be believed, at least 90% of Catholics fail in obeying this particular teaching. Even failing on that massive scale does not affect the validity of the Church's teaching. All it means is that the human sin of pride is alive and well. If the sins of its members invalidated the laws of the Catholic Church, then the Church wouldn't have survived one century, never mind twenty. And if only the pure can defend the Church, then there is no one to defend Her. As Jesus said about throwing stones....
I have nothing but the deepest respect for people who are able to live up to the Church's requirement of the use of only natural methods for regulating births. They are stronger than me and I know it. But they have their sins too, they are just different ones from mine.
I did go through a period of rebelliousness when I called myself a "birth control dissenter." What we like to call "common sense" told me that it was impossible for people to actually live that way. Those ideas were just outdated and the hangover from Medieval attempts to control the laity in every respect. Basically, I bought into secular reasoning on this topic, which is hard not to do. I must say, too, though, that some supporters of NFP methods do the Church no favors, in that their lack of charity can be breathtaking. But in the end, after some growth and soul searching, and further reading of works that both supported and attacked the Church's position, I came to realize that there really isn't anything special about my position or my choice at all. I am merely a sinner, who needs the hospital of the Church for her soul. The fact that my sin has to do with a controversial topic, and would be regarded by most as no sin at all, again means nothing.
I submitted myself to the legitimate authority of the Church and made my Confession. I expressed remorse and received absolution, so I know in my head that God has forgiven me my sin. Sometimes my heart is another matter, though. Even expiated sin leaves lingering temporal effects, which is why Purgatory exists. (That is a whole other post and I am not getting into it here!) Some days I am pretty sure that we do part of our time in Purgatory here on Earth. Just before the doctor put me under for the surgery, I almost told him to stop, don't do it! But I hesitated and the moment was lost. I live with consequences from the choice I made often. I wonder who the next baby would have been. I wonder if God would have blessed us with a third son. And I feel the absence in my life. Victoria being four, by now I would have had another baby if our previous pattern and fertility continued. Of course our lives would be different, and some sacrifices would have been necessary, had we chosen to have more children. But different is not always bad. In fact it's not even usually bad. Whenever I have these feelings, though, my mind reminds me of the financial struggle, physical consequences, and unkind social pressure that led to the decision in the first place. It reminds me of my two lost babies, the ones I loved but never got to hold, and how Craig and I were so afraid to face that again that we almost didn't have Victoria. Sometimes I feel momentarily guilty about making love to my husband, even though my priest assured me that I should not. I also feel guilty about depriving him of the opportunity to love more little people that look like him, because no matter how hard things got, he would always have been happy to greet another child into the world. His well of love is deep and always ready to grow. There are reasons he could not bring himself to do what I did, and I am sure I don't know the half of them. In short, I live with spiritual warfare inside myself, as the price of my disobedience.
The worst temporal effect, by far, though, is that I have to explain this to my children as they grow up and I teach them about marriage and the Church. Talk about Purgatory on Earth. All I can do is emphasize that we are all sinners, and this is one of my more obvious sins. I don't pretend that these issues are easy to decide for anyone, nor that they will likely cause my children and their spouses struggle and sleepless nights as they did me. I suppose I will be in a unique position to understand and offer charity and sympathy. You will never see me on a blog or message board screaming that contraceptors should be thrown out of the Church. Yes, there are people who actually do say that. I always ask them, for what other sins do we summarily throw people out of the Church? There are sins bad enough that they incur automatic excommunication and can ordinarily only be absolved by the Bishop, but they are extremely few. But, we don't throw people out of the Church for committing murder, rape, or abusing children. We don't throw out people who cohabit in a sexual relationship without being married, straight or gay. They may be in a state of mortal sin, but they can always come back and confess those sins and restore their communion with the Body of Christ. Their membership in the Church is unaffected. Yet some people think those who practice contraception should be just thrown out? Reminds me of a dialogue about eyes, specks, and beams....
And so, this is how a woman with her tubes tied ends up defending the Catholic Church and its teaching on contraception. I challenge anyone to read the papal encyclical Humanae Vitae by Paul VI, the one that confirmed the teaching of the Church against artficial birth control in 1968, and tell me that all of his predictions for society did not come to pass.
As I said in the beginning, though, the particular moral teaching that the Federal government's action impacts upon really, truly, is not the issue. This is about the First Amendment, and the absolute prohibition on the government interfering in churches, and its utter disregard by this Administration. Non-Catholics and Catholic birth control dissenters... join us in the fight. Because if we lose and they win, the Constitution is dead and churches will be subject to government control or suppression, like they are in China and Pakistan now and in the Soviet Union in the last century.
I will end as I began. I am a Catholic. I am loyal to my Church and try my best to accept and obey all Her teachings, even when I don't fully understand them. I recognize Her authority as legitimate and coming directly from Jesus Christ. When She is under attack, I will do my best to defend Her. But I am also an American, and I regard the Constitution as precious and one of the pinnacles of human achievement. By standing up against the onerous intrusion of the Obama Administration upon the Church's rights, I am defending both my Church and my country. And your church and your country, too.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Get thee to a nunnery!
Right now a convent sounds good. A cloistered convent. A nice, cloistered convent, with tall walls. On a mountaintop. In Switzerland.
What, you're thinking I'm a bit old and a little too married to be thinking about this? Not for me silly.
For my daughter. Let me show you....
I have three daughters, and shown here are the oldest and the youngest. Meaghan is nearly 14 and as you can see is beautiful. She is also as smart as Einstein (no I am not exaggerating, ask her math and Latin teachers), kind, funny, and generally a wonderful person.
So what were her father and I thinking letting her just walk around in the world, where everyone can see her and notice her? What. In the hell. Were we thinking. Because now... someone noticed her. A male someone.
See now why a convent sounds good to me?
Here's the thing: in theory, I want all of my children to grow up to be successful adults, to marry, and to raise families. I want them to know the feeling of laying on the couch with the most important person in their world, watching their children play, knowing the joy of baby smiles and preschoolers learning to write their names. It all sounds great and wonderful.
But that means that people of the opposite sex have to start noticing them, and that will take place when they are teenagers. Which means I have to deal with this RIGHT NOW! Oh dear God help me remain sane. And nonviolent. Let's add Meaghan's dad to that particular prayer list too, while we are at it.
Even though we knew it had to be coming, and we could see some signs that at least one boy likes her "that way," we really, literally were not ready for this. She hasn't seemed to be on this wavelength at all yet, and we were grateful for that.
I trust my daughter. I trust the upbringing we have given her. She is a strong, confident young lady with no doubt about her own value. She is rooted in her faith in a way I didn't know people that young could be. She continually amazes me. Hell, she amazes stangers on the bus. Apparently, an accountant sitting near her the other day told her he would have no idea how to do her math homework! If I am honest with myself, I don't really expect her to make bad or stupid choices.
I know the young man who asked her out. He is a fellow altar server with Meaghan at our parish. He seems like a nice boy and he and his mother are very active in our parish, so I know he has good roots and is grounded in faith as well.
But, and there always is a but.....teenagers are unpredictable. Raging hormones is a cliche precisely because it is true. I remember how it felt, and so does every other adult. I also remember how hard it was to fight temptation once I found the person who made me not want to fight it anymore. I am now in the stage of parenting where my child is still a child, but yet in a state of development where one poor choice, one lapse in judgement, one devil-may-care moment......can literally determine the course of the rest of her life. Anyone who doesn't spend at least a good chunk of their time in fear over that is just not paying attention.
By the way, I will feel the same way about my boys as they get older too. This idea that one needs to worry more about girls, well, let's just say I find that offensive. If a girl can get pregnant, my son can get one pregnant. One is exactly as serious as the other. And any son of mine who thinks he might go on his merry way and leave a girl and his child in the lurch will be forewarned that this family takes the role of a father very seriously, and he will receive no help or support of any kind from us, including room and board, should that be the choice he makes.
I have never been that person that believes that teenagers are "going to do it anyway," so that paradigm and its attendant issues need no discussion here. I have informed all of my children that I expect them to graduate high school virgins (and ideally stay that way until marriage), never having been drunk, and never having used illegal drugs. Once they are adults and out of my control, they will have to make their own choices, but that is my expectation and they are aware of it. And will be reminded. Many times. Crazy you say? Unrealistic in today's world, you say? I really don't care what you think. I want better for my children than the social cesspool this country has turned into, so I fight. I will never lay back and concede defeat. If one of my kids fails to live up to this, well, then we deal with that and we move on. But still, never concede defeat. You can always strive to do better today than you did yesterday.
To say that my parents did not raise me with this kind of structure would be the understatement of the century. There was no support in my upbringing for chastity until marriage (in fact, the one time I mentioned such a thing it was ridiculed to my face), and the idea was communicated to me that the loss of my virginity in high school was basically inevitable. I will not go into detail about the consequences that had. Suffice to say there are choices I wish I could take back. But they were choices made with a handicap, and I did beat the odds and graduate a virgin anyway. Looking back now, I wish I would have had something different. But my parents are who they are, they believe what they believe, and they could only give me what they themselves had to offer. I proved to myself that I could be more than the low expectations placed upon me by virtue of my own choices. So I know my daughter can be more than the world around her expects, through the power of her choices, too.
And so. Here we go. We will dip our toe into these waters. Dad and I decreed, intolerant beasts that we are, that Meaghan is ridiculously young for one-on-one dating, so any outings will be in a group setting or chaperoned for now. We can't stop boys from liking her, and we can't stop her from growing up, nor do we really want to. But we can exert some control until she is older, much like one holds a toddler's hand during those first few tries at walking.
I really do look forward to the day she breaks my grip and runs away under her own power. And I will let go when I feel she is really ready. She may pull before then, she may test the strength of my grip. But it will never fail her. She is just too precious and too important for me to let go at the wrong time.
What, you're thinking I'm a bit old and a little too married to be thinking about this? Not for me silly.
For my daughter. Let me show you....
So what were her father and I thinking letting her just walk around in the world, where everyone can see her and notice her? What. In the hell. Were we thinking. Because now... someone noticed her. A male someone.
See now why a convent sounds good to me?
Here's the thing: in theory, I want all of my children to grow up to be successful adults, to marry, and to raise families. I want them to know the feeling of laying on the couch with the most important person in their world, watching their children play, knowing the joy of baby smiles and preschoolers learning to write their names. It all sounds great and wonderful.
But that means that people of the opposite sex have to start noticing them, and that will take place when they are teenagers. Which means I have to deal with this RIGHT NOW! Oh dear God help me remain sane. And nonviolent. Let's add Meaghan's dad to that particular prayer list too, while we are at it.
Even though we knew it had to be coming, and we could see some signs that at least one boy likes her "that way," we really, literally were not ready for this. She hasn't seemed to be on this wavelength at all yet, and we were grateful for that.
I trust my daughter. I trust the upbringing we have given her. She is a strong, confident young lady with no doubt about her own value. She is rooted in her faith in a way I didn't know people that young could be. She continually amazes me. Hell, she amazes stangers on the bus. Apparently, an accountant sitting near her the other day told her he would have no idea how to do her math homework! If I am honest with myself, I don't really expect her to make bad or stupid choices.
I know the young man who asked her out. He is a fellow altar server with Meaghan at our parish. He seems like a nice boy and he and his mother are very active in our parish, so I know he has good roots and is grounded in faith as well.
But, and there always is a but.....teenagers are unpredictable. Raging hormones is a cliche precisely because it is true. I remember how it felt, and so does every other adult. I also remember how hard it was to fight temptation once I found the person who made me not want to fight it anymore. I am now in the stage of parenting where my child is still a child, but yet in a state of development where one poor choice, one lapse in judgement, one devil-may-care moment......can literally determine the course of the rest of her life. Anyone who doesn't spend at least a good chunk of their time in fear over that is just not paying attention.
By the way, I will feel the same way about my boys as they get older too. This idea that one needs to worry more about girls, well, let's just say I find that offensive. If a girl can get pregnant, my son can get one pregnant. One is exactly as serious as the other. And any son of mine who thinks he might go on his merry way and leave a girl and his child in the lurch will be forewarned that this family takes the role of a father very seriously, and he will receive no help or support of any kind from us, including room and board, should that be the choice he makes.
I have never been that person that believes that teenagers are "going to do it anyway," so that paradigm and its attendant issues need no discussion here. I have informed all of my children that I expect them to graduate high school virgins (and ideally stay that way until marriage), never having been drunk, and never having used illegal drugs. Once they are adults and out of my control, they will have to make their own choices, but that is my expectation and they are aware of it. And will be reminded. Many times. Crazy you say? Unrealistic in today's world, you say? I really don't care what you think. I want better for my children than the social cesspool this country has turned into, so I fight. I will never lay back and concede defeat. If one of my kids fails to live up to this, well, then we deal with that and we move on. But still, never concede defeat. You can always strive to do better today than you did yesterday.
To say that my parents did not raise me with this kind of structure would be the understatement of the century. There was no support in my upbringing for chastity until marriage (in fact, the one time I mentioned such a thing it was ridiculed to my face), and the idea was communicated to me that the loss of my virginity in high school was basically inevitable. I will not go into detail about the consequences that had. Suffice to say there are choices I wish I could take back. But they were choices made with a handicap, and I did beat the odds and graduate a virgin anyway. Looking back now, I wish I would have had something different. But my parents are who they are, they believe what they believe, and they could only give me what they themselves had to offer. I proved to myself that I could be more than the low expectations placed upon me by virtue of my own choices. So I know my daughter can be more than the world around her expects, through the power of her choices, too.
And so. Here we go. We will dip our toe into these waters. Dad and I decreed, intolerant beasts that we are, that Meaghan is ridiculously young for one-on-one dating, so any outings will be in a group setting or chaperoned for now. We can't stop boys from liking her, and we can't stop her from growing up, nor do we really want to. But we can exert some control until she is older, much like one holds a toddler's hand during those first few tries at walking.
I really do look forward to the day she breaks my grip and runs away under her own power. And I will let go when I feel she is really ready. She may pull before then, she may test the strength of my grip. But it will never fail her. She is just too precious and too important for me to let go at the wrong time.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Sharing the burden
Wow, it's been four years since I posted on this blog... sad. But not too sad, really, as I just had so much life going on. I deleted some old political posts that no longer matter (Fred Thompson for President anyone?) and am ready to start over.
So I became a CNA late last year, and after three months of trying, finally landed a job at the local hospital. Getting hired as a new grad is HARD, even when you are the lowest guy on the totem pole, wiping poop off of people and emptying urinals and bedpans. Yes, that's me. I am sure I'll discuss all those lovely aspects of my job in the future, but there is one thing that is really sticking in my mind about this new job.
This is the first time since I got married and had children that I have worked full time. To some people that probably sounds insane, but hey, that's the choice I made. I am sure that over the last 14 years, more than one person has thought I wasted my bachelor's degree...and maybe I did. I sure am not using it now. But so what? I got a good education and no one can ever take that from me. I have used my brains and my education to more good effect in raising my children than I ever could have in any corporate or government setting, and will continue to do so.
So anyway, here I am, working full time for the first time in a very very long time. Up to this point, my husband has been almost solely responsible for supporting the family financially and providing health insurance. In 2010, after he got laid off from his civilian job, he did this by volunteering to be deployed by the Army National Guard. He spent a year in Afghanistan, so that his family would be taken care of. (There is no doubt that I married a full-fledged MAN.) No one should ever think that I did not fully appreciate the kind of obligation he took on by being sole support for a wife and five children, but let's face it, I couldn't really know what it felt like.
Now that I am working full time, I qualify for health insurance and such through my job. Previously, when I worked part time, either I didn't qualify or it was so expensive I might as well not have. When looking at the differences in the premiums, it became immediately and forcefully apparent that the coverage from my job is a much better buy than the options available from his. So today I enrolled the family. And I keep thinking about it. And thinking about it. Over and over again. In fact, I procrastinated for a few days, because this just felt SO BIG.
Why? When I worked before, they were part time jobs that brought in a little money to help with bills and groceries. We needed the money from those jobs, but if I had wanted to quit for some reason, it wouldn't necessarily have been the ruin of the family. But now, I am carrying this family's health insurance! Basically, now that this step is taken, I couldn't quit even if I wanted to. I don't want to, but that's not the point.
I have always had certain obligations to my family, of course, but as a stay at home mother, they were the kind of things that were built into my days, or came up by natural instinct, anyway. They didn't feel like "work." (Well okay, laundry and dishes will ALWAYS feel like work... yuck.) But now, it's like I feel a weight on me. I always respected my husband and honored his dedication to and sacrifices for us. But I had NO IDEA what this feels like. How has he maintained his sanity when he lost jobs? If this little piece of obligation feels this heavy to me, how must it have felt to him to know that absolutely everything depended upon him?!
I have long known that my husband is a man of deep faith and quiet strength. And I have always loved those things about him. Because of the feelings I am having about this new step in my life, I think I will end up appreciating him a whole lot more. In a world full of tall little boys, he has always been a real man, and my life with him has turned out better than I could possibly have hoped. He deserves some help, though I know that he will always take the burden of being the rock of our family upon himself, no matter what I do. And there are no words for how much I love him for that.
So I became a CNA late last year, and after three months of trying, finally landed a job at the local hospital. Getting hired as a new grad is HARD, even when you are the lowest guy on the totem pole, wiping poop off of people and emptying urinals and bedpans. Yes, that's me. I am sure I'll discuss all those lovely aspects of my job in the future, but there is one thing that is really sticking in my mind about this new job.
This is the first time since I got married and had children that I have worked full time. To some people that probably sounds insane, but hey, that's the choice I made. I am sure that over the last 14 years, more than one person has thought I wasted my bachelor's degree...and maybe I did. I sure am not using it now. But so what? I got a good education and no one can ever take that from me. I have used my brains and my education to more good effect in raising my children than I ever could have in any corporate or government setting, and will continue to do so.
So anyway, here I am, working full time for the first time in a very very long time. Up to this point, my husband has been almost solely responsible for supporting the family financially and providing health insurance. In 2010, after he got laid off from his civilian job, he did this by volunteering to be deployed by the Army National Guard. He spent a year in Afghanistan, so that his family would be taken care of. (There is no doubt that I married a full-fledged MAN.) No one should ever think that I did not fully appreciate the kind of obligation he took on by being sole support for a wife and five children, but let's face it, I couldn't really know what it felt like.
Now that I am working full time, I qualify for health insurance and such through my job. Previously, when I worked part time, either I didn't qualify or it was so expensive I might as well not have. When looking at the differences in the premiums, it became immediately and forcefully apparent that the coverage from my job is a much better buy than the options available from his. So today I enrolled the family. And I keep thinking about it. And thinking about it. Over and over again. In fact, I procrastinated for a few days, because this just felt SO BIG.
Why? When I worked before, they were part time jobs that brought in a little money to help with bills and groceries. We needed the money from those jobs, but if I had wanted to quit for some reason, it wouldn't necessarily have been the ruin of the family. But now, I am carrying this family's health insurance! Basically, now that this step is taken, I couldn't quit even if I wanted to. I don't want to, but that's not the point.
I have always had certain obligations to my family, of course, but as a stay at home mother, they were the kind of things that were built into my days, or came up by natural instinct, anyway. They didn't feel like "work." (Well okay, laundry and dishes will ALWAYS feel like work... yuck.) But now, it's like I feel a weight on me. I always respected my husband and honored his dedication to and sacrifices for us. But I had NO IDEA what this feels like. How has he maintained his sanity when he lost jobs? If this little piece of obligation feels this heavy to me, how must it have felt to him to know that absolutely everything depended upon him?!
I have long known that my husband is a man of deep faith and quiet strength. And I have always loved those things about him. Because of the feelings I am having about this new step in my life, I think I will end up appreciating him a whole lot more. In a world full of tall little boys, he has always been a real man, and my life with him has turned out better than I could possibly have hoped. He deserves some help, though I know that he will always take the burden of being the rock of our family upon himself, no matter what I do. And there are no words for how much I love him for that.
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