If you want a Mr. Bates, you have to be an Anna

This is another thought that has been buzzing around in my brain for a while, but also suffered from my lack of opportunity to post.  I seriously need to get a notebook and start writing myself little notes, because I am going to forget some of these topics before I get to post.

Downton Abbey is PBS' biggest success in years.  People talk about it resurrecting a dying network.  It has the largest audience PBS has been able to garner in a long, long time.  People bring all kinds of reasons along with them for liking it.  In fact, I have one friend who claims to watch it just for the clothes!  (As an Anglophile, I can't resist pointing out that this show is actually a BBC production, which most of PBS' best stuff has been over the decades.  So really the most credit they can take is for being good shoppers.)

One huge reason that Downton's largely female audience loves the show seems to be because of John Bates, one of the main characters, who is Lord Grantham's valet.  His unfailing moral uprightness, stoicism, self-sacrifice, and utter devotion to Anna Smith, a maid, seem to be like catnip to American women fed up with little boys in adult bodies who can't seem to commit to anything lasting longer than a hookup.

But here's the thing, girls.  If you want a Mr. Bates, you have to act like an Anna Smith.  There was a scene in the second season (spoiler alert, but since the shows have been out since January, I apologize for nothing) where the frustration from John's attempts to gain a divorce from his evil, scheming wife so he can marry Anna has reached the boiling point, and Anna suggests she should just become his mistress.  What non-watchers of the show need to understand is that this was a momentary lapse for Anna.  Through most of the two seasons, she has been so proper as to be painful.  The growing feelings between her and John became more and more obvious, but they hardly ever touched, and never even kissed until after they were engaged.  It was clear they both wanted to throw themselves at each other.....BUT THEY DIDN'T.  No matter how in love, sex and physical involvement is clearly for the married in their world.  Anna makes it clear in her interactions with John that no matter how much affection she has for him, there are lines she can't cross unless she is his wife.  John, an old soldier who has clearly seen the more worldly side of these issues, loves and respects her so much that he wouldn't dream of violating her boundaries.  When Anna breaks down and suggests that they live together illicitly, John immediately refuses, though it's clear he wants her very much.  He says, "That's not you.  You couldn't be happy that way."  He also tells her that he could not live with himself if he compromised her honor in such a way.

The result of all this is that when John and Anna finally do marry, their tastefully done nuptial scene, in a beautiful room of the mansion provided to them by the family as a wedding gift, is so much lovelier and more meaningful.

Women of America, the reason too many of us don't have this is because we don't demand it.  If you want to stop being a victim of the hookup culture, then stop participating in it.  Will this make it harder for you to find a man?  Probably, because they have all been programmed to expect sex by the third date, and if they don't get it, they won't waste time on you, but find another woman who is easier.  But what would happen if ALL women stopped degrading themselves in this way and started demanding actual involvement and commitment from their men before consenting to sex?  One of the basic facts about male psychology is that they value much more what they have to work hard to obtain.  Women who give it up too easily betray all women, by making a culture of commitment impossible.  Just look at our divorce and non-marriage rates to see where the sexual revolution has taken our society.  Being that woman who decides to make herself unavailable for sex without commitment could result in eventually finding the right kind of man.  But these days the deck is so stacked the other way that it could backfire and lead to a woman never finding a mate.  Personally, though, I think it's worth the risk.  It's the advice I am giving my daughters.  In fact, my oldest, who is 14 and a Downton Abbey fan, has already heard the title and concept of this post.  Talking about it with her is what inspired me to post.

There are ways to meet men who share your values, and none of them are perfect, but they do increase your odds.  Meeting men at church gives you better odds than bars or frat parties, for example.  I worry about my kids being able to find mates, make marriages that last, and build strong families.  The culture is so toxic to those goals.  But I will stand by what I believe, and teach my daughters the virtues of Anna Smith, and my sons those of John Bates.

Because ladies, if you want a Mr. Bates, you have to be an Anna.